The False Gospel about Food Stamps

The False Gospel about Food Stamps

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The Foodie Bible, Levitical Edition (or, Michael Pollan meets King James)

You have heard it said,

“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”

Here is wisdom,

Let one who hath understanding explain its secrets.

 

Behold the list of ingredients!

Canst thou comprehend it?

If thou know not what thou art consuming,

How shall its purpose in thy body be determined?

 

The parts of your dish shall number four, or six,

or several more if they be but spices,

But lo, you shall know their names,

And shall be able to speak them aloud,

And shall keep them at hand in thy dwelling.

 

Of all the leaves of the plant,

and its stem and its roots in the ground

You shall eat;

But among them you shall not eat that grown in the tampered soil,

for it is unclean;

And you shall not eat of the potato as flakes,

for it is unnatural.

 

And of all the fruits of the trees and shrubs

and which grow on the vine,

you shall eat your fill.

But the forms in which you shall not eat them

are such: as candies, as gummy, as flavoring,

nor even as Jello-O or Kool-Aid.

Eat them whole and clean,

for that is how I the Lord have given them unto you.

 

And you may eat of all that are in the waters,

But anything in the seas or streams

which is not swimming freely,

or of which kind there are not sufficient numbers,

you shall regard as destestable,

and of their flesh you shall not eat.

 

And of the animals from which you eat,

flesh or milk or any other issuance from their bodies,

They shall roam upon the earth,

and feast upon its gifts,

and shall not be prevented from the blessings of this world.

For I, the Lord, hath ordained their natural ways

and thou shalt not prohibit them.

 

Do not break apart your food into its component parts,

Nor concern yourself with its nutritional data.

For it is good and holy

as I, the Lord, hath created it

to nourish you in its perfect state.

 

Thou shalt not eat of the Crisco,

nor of its kindred,

the margarine and the spread.

For they shall cause your days to be short

in the land which I shall give unto you.

 

All things must meet their end,

But the Twinkie, it hath no end.

And so it is an abomination.

 

Eat not from the box that saith “Helper”,

For G-d alone is your Helper.

 

His handiworks far exceed those of humankind,

So feed upon the works of the hand of the Lord,

And lean not upon human creation,

For lo, you are my people

And I have given unto you all that you need.